Why She Left
by Kyouryoku Senshi
Summary: A short Stream of Consciousness (thanks WildWingSuz!) that deals with Mulder/Scully's breakup prior to the revival.


Title: Why She Left

Author: KS

Rating: PG-13

Summary: Why did Mulder and Scully breakup? A short story explaining the events after IWTB and before the revival.

Notes: Thanks to WildWingSuz for beta-ing and for the title suggestion! I was going through something and needed to write this.

Scully- June 2013

It had happened just after the end date in 2012. Though that was the problem; There was no end date. Nothing happened. Everything they had fought for, prepared for, everything they believed in...it all went out the window. Scully and Mulder had just a few years of tranquil bliss. They were on the run for about a year, but they were finally able to settle down and live what somewhat resembled a life of normalcy. Partially because Mulder was still a fugitive and wanted by the FBI. Scully, however, was able to finally have that white picket fence she wanted.

Sadly, it was without the children she desperately wanted. She still occasionally stole moments alone where she would examine photos of William and of Emily. She always kept them in her wallet and whenever she was facing particularly difficult situations, like intense surgery or, though it wasn't often, having a patient that died under her care. Another place she retreated to, like she decided to do today, was walk to a little pond behind their unremarkable house. There was a little forest clearing she loved to walk through. She discovered it about six months after the home was purchased. It was tucked away and hidden. It was one of the few places she came to clear her thoughts when she was upset.

There was a small swing that hung from a large oak tree. She liked to imagine that William was there with them, laughing and swinging away while she held the baby that wasn't meant to be. The photo of Emily was one of the very few photos she had. It was her birthday photo. She did have another photo which she treasured. It was of her and Mulder with Emily. One of the social workers had offered to take it for them when Scully started the adoption process. The one she carried of William was of him staring up at her from his crib. She had a few others that were locked away.

Going through them was still unbearable. That went down the tubes along with her attempts to conceive later. She got pregnant with William, who was supposed to be her miracle baby, but was later forced to give him up for adoption for his own safety. She was angry and resentful. At herself, her life, her choices, the conspiracy put against them and maybe even Mulder. It was the reason she threatened to not come back home when he started to obsess with that case back in 2008. However, she only had herself to blame. She asked him to take the case, hoping the charges against him being dropped would eventually result in him being able to become a productive member of society once again.

What she didn't expect during that ordeal, however, was to find out she was pregnant. She had been about eight weeks along. Because of the hormones, the idea of Mulder putting himself willingly into harm's way was unfathomable to her. So she did what she always did, she closed herself off to him. She couldn't deal with the thought of losing him again. She had just entertained the idea that they could finally have a family together. She wanted the baby so much and yet felt tremendous guilt. Their lives were still very dangerous, they had no idea what was going to happen in the future and she was almost in her mid forties. She had no business having a baby. She was still very much excited to be a mother again. Shortly after the Joseph Crissman case, Scully had told Mulder about the baby. To her surprise, he was elated. She never knew Mulder really wanted to be a father until he saw William. Ever since he found out about the adoption, it had been a taboo subject between them. He assured her he bore no resentment for giving William up, but she knew it still affected him even if it wasn't in the same way as herself. The excitement, however, was short lived.

At four months, Scully started to bleed and the baby's heartbeat could no longer be detected. They had just found out a week prior that the baby had been a girl. That simple fact was enough to make the pain amplify. It made the baby more real and as a result, more devastating. Another child lost.

She didn't want to admit it, but she was angry and resentful towards Mulder. For choosing the darkness over her, over them. She knew he loved her, but in the end, his obsession always won. When nothing happened in 2012, Mulder became very despondent. It was what she diagnosed as endogenous depression. She couldn't handle it. She was barely holding on herself and even she couldn't take Mulder out of that dark place he was in. He too, had lost so much to the cause.

She couldn't blame him for what was happening as a result. He had lost everything including his entire family as the result of a conspiracy that led to a prophecy that never came to be. She loved him and needed him more than the air she breathed, but she couldn't do it anymore. She couldn't stand the fights they had and the regrettable things he would say to her whenever he was having a psychotic episode. Those were often a result of his obsessions.

The memory of him yelling at her while reeking of alcohol and telling her that she was a traitor and to never come back would be the last memory she had for years to come. Not even she, with all her years of medical experience, could save him or be there for him when he needed her most. In a way, she felt resentment towards him for losing everything at the pursuit of his truth and if she admitted it, she felt everything had been in vain since the prophecy didn't come to fruition. And so she left for an apartment in D.C.

Mulder- June 2013

Mulder felt betrayed and angry when she left. The logical part of his mind told him she had every reason in the world to want to get as far from him as she could. She deserved better. He also felt resentful that she chose to leave him at his worst. As a result he said some things he would never have been able to take back. She knew the truth was always his pursuit. She said it was the reason she fell in love with him, but the irony was that it was the very thing that made her leave. He was sure Scully had serious PTSD following the events of the year in which he had been hiding. He didn't know details, but he knew people had tried to kill and kidnap their son on multiple occasions. She had been broken and devastated for much time. He was angry that he stuck by her during that time, yet she couldn't do the same for him? He never resented her for giving up their child, but it hurt him. It was something they almost never broached, but regardless, he felt they got through it together.

During Mulder's morning runs, he would find himself in a little forest that was behind their home. A little pond nestled there and he would often sit on the wooden bench to contemplate. Across the way as a single swing that hung from a giant oak tree. He dared to imagine their children using it, but it wasn't meant to be. William was no longer theirs and their daughter had died long before she could draw her first breath. He thought those events brought Scully's PTSD back in full force. He would never know what she went through with William, nor did he have much chance to properly bond with his son. Scully did, just as she had the chance to bond with their daughter for the short time she was pregnant. He was ecstatic about the idea, but it wasn't quite real to him yet. He only lived and felt the pain through Scully.

Of course, those thoughts brought him back to his long-lost sister and everyone and everything he had lost. When colonization never happened, he lost his sense of purpose. In a way, he wished they hadn't met. If only Mulder could have spared her from all of this. He loved her, but she deserved so much better than he was capable of giving. When sitting at the pond, Mulder often gazed at the silent waters in front of him, imagining diving in and closing his eyes while allowing the water to swallow him. In those moments, he would pull out a single photo he had of their son, gazing up out of his crib.

He really didn't have anything else to live for. No family, friends or Scully. Who knew if he would ever see his son again. They were two very damaged people. He couldn't handle the sight of her belongings that remained, so he threw them out not only in a fit of anger, but because he wanted to forget about her. He had broken several frames of photos of the two of them. Someday he would get his shit together and they could be together again. He could only hope that someday things would be different. He couldn't live without her. She would call to check up on him from time to time as his Doctor, but it wasn't the same. It took everything he had not to end his suffering. Part of him wanted to make Scully regret leaving, but the other part of him didn't want to put her through that grief either.

Losing everything had changed them both. He could still recall Scully when she first walked into his office. He was the reason she lost that sparkle in her eyes. He knew he was going to have to start by seeing a psychiatrist and getting on medication, even though he couldn't stand the idea. He was going to get better. END


End file.
